I was in paradise recently – Maui! I flew there (6 am departure time, 2 flights, 8 hrs flying time, 2 hrs layover, 3 time zones away, 10 days away from my sweetie, and the wild fox who’s been visiting us every day and letting me sit within 5 feet of her.) It IS paradise, but that doesn’t mean it was easy to leave home.
I went for a Spiritual Retreat, to open my heart and to bring more loving awareness into that heart.
This is how it went in my mind: I’m here to open. BIG Sigh. I’m here to soften my own resistance to allowing True Guidance to come through me. I’m here for whatever will and can come to me on a spiritual level.
Basically, that means I am here for a sh**storm of the monkey mind to invade my heart mind and soul. And then to find my way through that.
You know the monkey mind, yes? That rabbit hole our mind goes down, filled with repetitious, negative, soul-sucking self-talk and over-used ideas and thoughts that grab our attention, won’t let go, won’t stop and bring us to our knees. THAT monkey mind!
Because RESISTANCE is what happens when we open to a larger place. The old patterns, the judgments, the blatant over-repeated garbage of the monkey mind WILL raise their ugly heads whenever we open for true expansion.The mind will forge a tremendous battle to keep us the same.
For me, once those thoughts grab and won’t let go, then when it gets really bad, my body also aches like crazy.Migraine-like headaches, aching neck, stiff and over-tight hamstrings. Sure, all those hours in a poorly designed airplane seat don’t help, but I am certain that the body suffering also serves to try to “take me out”. The pains are distracting at least, and overwhelm my thoughts at their most ferocious.
I’m here in Paradise, for a spiritual retreat, so I should be spiritual, right? And I should be HAPPY! Right?!!! I should be swimming in the ocean, out pre-dawn, meeting new people, letting it in through every pore. Starting my morning with a sunrise meditation, then yoga on the beach, a quick dip, and the perfect breakfast. My day SHOULD be filled with FUN or meditative experiences that boost me, yes?
What if I don’t WANT to do any of those things? Huh??? REALLY? NOPE. This morning, my first morning here, I. DON’T, WANT.TO. I REALLLLLLLLY DON’T!
I don’t want to be in the sun. I don’t want to sit on the beach. I don’t want to get up early- even though it isn’t even early because my inner clock is 3 hours ahead.
I want to have TWO cups of my coffee, brewed the special way I like it, for which I actually brought a travel press and foam whipper. I want to sit on my porch in my pareo and bed-hair and be in the shade and write. I want to (and did) record a special meditation for myself, so I don’t have to read it to myself each time. I want to do my stretch and strengthen exercises (my sweetie Michael calls them grunt and groans) and my eye exercises and even some facial toning exercises. All things I generally want to do at home but too often start my day before I do them.
I want to leave the room an unholy mess. Until I don’t want to. Period.
It’s my life and this is what I want to do, even though no one comes to Paradise for these things. Apparently, I do.This is me, finding my messy way to my heart.
Travelling your spiritual path doesn’t always look like OM. It can also be a messy room and an opening heart.