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One night decades ago, my husband Michael saw behind the smoke-screen of my anger that I needed comfort and so he reached out to hold me. That moment is seared onto my brain. Part of me wanted desperately to crawl up onto his lap and feel his arms around me. Because - he was right. I needed love, and I also needed to cry. But the other part of me was a sharp-quilled stubborn porcupine keeping him away. The porcupine won. And I stayed sad. So began my understanding of this deep, ironic truth: We push away what we most want. Most of us live that way from birth to death. And I certainly thought that stubborn embedded part of me could never change.